I think of love the same way I think of Year 10. I miss that year like hell, it was so simple; so perfect. Sometimes, I wish I could just crawl into the comfort of it again, and shield myself from the troubles of university. But I know in my heart that moving on and gaining new experiences is far more important. That’s how guys are, ya know? Or girls, if that's your preference. You look back on them, and you think, “Damn that was awesome. I miss that. I really fucking miss that.” But would you really just want to stay in the safety of it all over again? Would you want to relive those months or years? No, I don’t think so. My best friend has a new boyfriend, his name is Robert. He’s fantastic, everything even I would want in a guy, and she knows how lucky she is. She is falling fast and hard. But two years ago, her boyfriend of nearly 10 months cheated on her during the New Year holidays. His name was T.J., and he shattered her heart into pieces.
His apologies were sincere. He called her constantly, walked to her house every day, and tried desperately to make it up to her. She was happy…but that cloud was still there. In the end, they made a rough decision. Sitting down, they looked each other in the eyes, eyes they knew so well, and realised something. They had to let go. T.J. didn’t want the same fate as his brother: blowing off friends and experiences for the girlfriend he was so hopelessly in love with. His words were, “I love you too much, Hannah. I know we will end up just like them. And I don’t want that for us.” So in a way, they loved each other enough to let go.
But like always, you still cling, and you cling hard. Hannah is happy, more than happy; T.J. is not. His girlfriend is great, but his longing for Hannah bores deeper into him each day. He regrets not his decision to let her go, but his first decision: the one that led to the second. He cheated. Yes, he cheated, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love.
She talked to him yesterday, finally. She told him that she thought things over, and that she would always feel for him, but Robert was too important to her. She said that if fate had it for them, then they would work things out later. And she believes that.
So fate. Love. I’m not sure if I could put my belief into fate. I’ve loved the same guy for 9 months, and he has broken my heart more than once. It’s one of those pathetic things really. He’s just a friend, and to him, I am just this girl. But to me he is more than that. He’s an equal…that’s what I think we are looking for, not just in a relationship, but in a friendship as well. Someone who you feel is superior to you. “When you find someone you don’t think you deserve, you better try really fucking hard to make them yours.” My brother said that to me once, and ya know, he has a point. If your standards are where they should be, not any guy on the street will be good enough. And I hope you are shallow enough to base this off of looks: to think you are ugly, and that you don’t deserve the gorgeous boy you just laid eyes on.
It’s deeper. This guy…he is different. He is smart, and mature, and he has the same grip on life that I do…or so I thought. Recently though, he fucked up pretty bad. His reasons are beyond me, and I don’t think I can understand this one. And he can’t understand how bothered I am by it, and explaining just gets me nowhere. I left class today and felt so sick about it. But you know? That’s life.
Ups and downs. I’m just really hoping that somehow I can find someone like him again; someone who sees me and goes, “Holy fuck.” That’s what we all need. Someone who gets weak at the knees, who sits by their phone all day craving your call or text. Someone who can’t get you out of their head, someone who cares for you beyond the normal care; they care for your happiness, your success, your well being. Someone who would take a bullet for you. For the people that have found it, congrats. You are so, so lucky. For the people that have their hearts broken…everyone will get there. Even those who I just called lucky. And it’s not because love sucks. No, people suck. We do. Every last goddamn one of us has human flaws, errors in our character that lead us down pretty shitty paths. You’re heart is broken? Just wait, soon you will break a heart. Soon you will kiss some random dude at a party, soon you will find yourself growing annoyed with your partner…falling out of love. Because that’s the point. We fall in love…then we fall out of love. Only to fall in love again. That’s what you need to reach the point where you really find the right one. All the others before are lessons…everyone is a lesson. You will know when you snag the final partner when he or she is a lover, a parent, a brother, and a child all in one. You have to care for them in every aspect imaginable: you must respect them like a parent, and know that they are just looking for the best for you. You must protect them like a sibling, and know that sometimes yeah…they are going to annoy the shit out of you but at the end of the day, they are still going to be under the same roof, and you are still going to love them. Like a child…that all encompassing love that makes you want to succeed for them…that makes you want to be the best you can be. And like a lover…someone that you can fuck the hell out of.
Honestly. Everyone just wants to be wanted.
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