“sure.”

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked me to fill up his water bottle while I went to fill up mine. I can only just remember saying “Sure.” It’s a vague recollection: like everything else involving him, this response gets stacked under agendas, priorities and my five senses – and a glassy fog encircles it, burying it once and for all. I don’t even remember what staircase I took to get to the water fountain. I was swallowed by fog.Under the fog lies, untouched, over a thousand days worth of memories, cherished by only the most inner depths of the chambers of my heart. But today, I asked myself if I was ready to finally allow real feelings to surface, slowly but surely. The answer I got; faint yet undeniable, was “Sure.”

It hurts. Plain and simple. While so much more is complex, this much I know for sure.

To go back to the beginning, in my first year of uni, I was put in a class with no friends. Instantly, though, his role as the class clown struck me as hilarious, as he and I would joke around all the time. We were never really friends. I don’t know how it worked, but we kind of skipped that and went straight to best friends, or maybe more. 

I still remember the exact feeling I had when I first fell in love with him. It’s a little weird to think there was a specific moment, but it literally hit like a ton of bricks (how I love my cliches). To make a long story short: we were at my best friend’s birthday party, and he had hurt himself, so when everyone else went outside to play football, he played video games. And I sat with him, just there, wanting to be as close to him as I could. I never played the games; I just watched him. He was glowing. He wasn’t perfect, but he was truly extraordinary. I wanted to feel his presence; his heat radiating off his body, keeping me warm.
I wonder what he remembers from that day, because I know that he felt what I felt that day, too. 

I don’t want to go into details about the rest.

And to think this got set off by just a “Sure.”