I love that awkward stare that someone gives you when you’re on a computer in class and you’re not doing something coursework related, haha. Like they want to just come over and slap you and take the computer. I’m got so many of those looks today.

I recieved a letter back home and my mum forwarded it to me in Germany:

Dear Claire,

Okay, well um. Where to start? You’ll probably never read this. In fact, chances are it won’t even reach you. I’m probably just writing this for myself, you know. For therapeutic reasons. I guess I should just say all this stuff. Especially by now, but it helps to write things down or else I stutter and forget, and generally make an idiot of myself.

It’s September 3rd today. That means it would have been our two years and 6 months anniversary. You know I always complained that month anniversaries were for twelve year olds but you always kinda liked the idea so happy hypothetical anniversary. I know you’d probably roll your eyes at me, bringing that up and I’m aware that it’s been well over a year since now you, uh, left me. Well one year, three months, and sixteen days. I think right now, I’ve finished the process you know? And I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that you’re not going to come back—ever. And I think I’m out of the phase where I just lie on my floor hoping that you’d just turn up on my doorstep. You know what, I’m doing okay. Getting there, baby steps.

I’ve even um, I’ve even been sorta seeing a girl. Jess, is her name. They’re going to keep telling it’s a, you know, a positive step in getting over you and stuff. And don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice girl but, different. It’s funny. Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That’s why we can tie our shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other you know? The warmth of your back, the pace of your heartbeat, your tickly eyelashes and the way your fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don’t know the language. It’s a scary thing. And she voluntarily eats celery. Who does that?

You know people are always on about, “You’ll find someone else! There’s plenty more fish in the sea!” Well you know what, I feel like a friggin’ fish in a bucket. I’ve been reading lots. Non-fiction mostly. Did I ever tell you about the theory of the multi-verse? It says that there’s an infinite amount of hypothetical universes parallel to ours that contain every single possible set of circumstances. Kinda got me thinking you know? Means that somewhere, there might be a world in which on that 15th of February, we never had that argument, and I didn’t say all those things I didn’t mean, and you didn’t walk away without another word. Or maybe there’s another world in which I—chased after you. And we’d still be together and catch the train together, and do couply things and have bubble tea with those god-awful slimy globules of jelly down the bottom which I hate.

Sometimes, on my way, I walk past your house and every time I do, I get this weird urge to knock on the door which is stupid because I know you wouldn’t answer it. Well, in any case, it’s technically your old house now. You’re—nowadays, you’re quite far away with your new life and all. I wonder if you even remember me sometimes. I—I wish you’d talk to me. Give me some vague sign that you do remember. ‘Cause you know what? I’m not doing well, life is actually pretty shit. And look at me. I’ve gone this whole page without using the L-word once so far. But looking at it objectively, realistically I—I’d say that I still love you. And I’m kinda afraid I won’t ever really stop—loving you. I hope they’re treating you well up there because I miss you more than ever.

Love, Shaun.

Sometimes when I look up at the stars, I feel so little.

They’re so high up, so beautiful, and so fucking far away.

I end up feeling like the littlest thing on the planet when I look at them and then I just get overwhelmed with this feeling and I want to be up there with all the stars and I want to dance and I want to fly and I want to fly and I want to fly.

So I try.

I run and run and run. In the middle of the dark, empty streets, I run like a crazy person. Then I jump as high as I can.

And sometimes, even just for a second, I feel like I am flying. Then I’m back on my feet again.

I’m not embarrassed, but it’s kind of lonely trying to fly all alone with you literally just watching me try the impossible. Maybe one day, you’ll try with me. And maybe one day, we’ll fly away together.

What’s a nice acoustic love song?

Tough question. But I guess i’d say my favorite love song would be “Poor Song [hidden track]” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Don’t know if you’d call it acoustic, but it’s unplugged Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Not your typical love song. But still…this song gives me hope every time I listen to it.

Baby I’m afraid of a lot of things but
I ain’t scared of loving you
And baby I know you’re afraid of a lot of things
But don’t be scared of love

Well I’ve been dragged all over the place
I’ve taken hits time just don’t erase
And baby I can see you’ve been fucked with too
But that don’t mean your loving days are through
‘Cause people will say all kinds of things
But that don’t mean a damn to me
‘Cause all I see is what’s in front of me
And that’s you

Well I may be just a fool
But I know you’re just as cool
And cool kids, they belong together

I got bored last night...

I hope the vocalist from Defiler realises how retarded he looks.

They need to stop making music videos….
I don’t know what else to say…
I cannot take them seriously.

I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.

Djokovic or Murray?

I don’t know, I’m the most indecisive person ever! I love them both…but since I have to choose one, I’m gonna have to go for Djokovic. So yes, Djokovic ftw!!

I love finding photos of myself. :)

People don't cut because they listen to MCR. People listen to MCR because they cut.

I just found this pic of one of my tattoos.

You, sir, win at life.

“Boomy is having the baby! Get her to the hospital or safely home and await the arrival!” Sims reference ftw.

I am still wearing the Dimmu Borgir shirt I bought yesterday.

Anyone got some corpse paint? It’ll complete this outfit.

This is the only god damn thing I’m going to say about this.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME TO STOP TALKING TO YOU, THAN DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME.

Don’t sit there, calling me pathetic, telling me you feel sorry for me, and telling me what to do with my Facebook. YOU’RE pathetic. YOU’RE the one stalking me. YOU’RE the one who can’t let shit go.

That’s the difference between me and you. I can let go of shit AND REALISE IT’S NOT GOOD FOR ME, and you can’t. GROW THE FUCK UP.

I wish I was watching this film with someone else physically.

Or at the restaurant cross campus.

I could be getting free crisps and dip and eating wings and mozzarella sticks.

Damn I want to go out to eat.

I don’t get why all my friends are becoming this huge “OMG I LOVE MARIJUANA” group. When did this happen and am I the only one who see’s it?! My conversations have been nothing but POT GREEN MARIJUANA WEED; whatever you want to call it… I get it.. You like marijuana; but do you have to talk about it 298347 times in a row?!

I Can Talk - Two Door Cinema Club

Been stuck in my head all day!

My new contempary art class made me realise just how much I LOVE art.

3 Things:

Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever be good enough. Or perhaps anything more than ‘enough’.

My chemistry professor is nice but definitely weird. I don’t really mind it though.

The awkward moment where you’re really not that great but you have so many people obsessed with you.

What do you say to taking chances?

I wish I could anonymously mail this picture to my future husband so he knows that this is the place/time of year that he should propose to me.

And the sad thing is, we're just friends.

How sick do you have to be to get satisfaction from calling people ugly and fat?

 

I would love to see the supermodel looks you all have.

Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It just means you've been strong for too long.

You know he's a keeper when....

You both know there’s a lot of girls after him, but he acts like you’re the only girl in his world. When he’s the first one to text you good morning and goodnight. When he looks past your imperfections - he thinks you still look cute without your make up on. He makes promises that he can keep. When he wouldn’t mind to just cuddle with you, than make.

Term exams tomorrow.

Just kill me now.

Imagine having your period on your wedding day...

:O

All I Want - A Day to Remember

LISTEN TO THIS SONG.

I wonder if you ever stop and think, 'man I miss her, I really fucked up'.

I am so excited for this summer! I am going on a Mediterranean cruise, leaves from Spain and goes to France and Italy. Then I am going to go to London after the cruise. So excited.

Ugh. I hate fighting with Nick, especially when it’s my fault. I fucking hate being on my period for this reason. I bitch him out for no reason, and it leads to us to fighting. Ugh. It doesn’t help that both of us are stubborn as fuck.

Ohkay, you’re fucking 22 years old. Learn to accept a God damn apology.

Ohkay, fuck this. Because ignoring me is really going to solve this. What-fucking-ever.

FML

Driving to the train station to pick up drunk Amy and drunk Samara and drop them off at their dorms.

And doodles when I was away....

Finally finished this piece of work.

13 year old Jordan Rice died in the Queensland floods trying to save his brother.


I have tears in my eyes, this sweet little angel missed out on his whole life from this tragedy.


I heard about this story on the radio. He told the rescue team to take his little brother who was perched up on his shoulders. They rescued his little brother but by the time they came around to rescuing him he’d already passed away. He is a hero and everyone needs to know the braveness and love he had.

Last night...

I legit broke the heel off my shoe. I’ve never seen that happen except in movies.

Paramore - In The Mourning

Awesome song.

Been exploring Europe for a week...

...had a blast.



I am visiting there soon. :)



Two life lessons:

Don’t make decisions when you’re angry, and don’t make promises when you’re happy.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest. So, say it to them. Or say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it in a letter you’ll never send or in a book millions might read someday. I think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying “I could’ve, but it’s too late now.”

We all hear it every day, the old cliché, “life is short.” But I don’t think many of us really understand how short it is. We don’t understand how important each day is and how much we are going to look back and regret our wasted days. The days we didn’t laugh or smile enough, the days we didn’t do something that really makes us happy, the days that we didn’t make a change we needed to make. So, here it is again. Life is short. Don’t leave anything unsaid, don’t intentionally hurt anyone and don’t leave the things in your life that you want to change.

Being from Sheffield...

I love the Arctic Monkeys.

And... Kate Nash - Fluorescent Adolescent (a Arctic Monkeys cover) is awesome also.

Nights are the worst for me, during the day it's not so bad because I'm usually pretty busy. I've been falling asleep holding my phone in hopes that he might be able to call me, even for just a second. But nights are the worst.

Guess what I played tonight? ;)

The Pursuit of Happiness

Don’t ever let somebody tell you, you can’t do something, you got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves they’re gonna tell you, you can’t do it. If you want something go get it.

When university starts again:

• Fucked up sleeping schedule.
• Ugly handwriting forever.
• Waking up so freaking early.
• Forgot there’s coursework/projects due.
• Seeing the bitches you hate.
• Stupid lecturers who gives you too much work.
• Coursework all day, everyday.
• Same shit, different day.

Long distance relationships are fucking beautiful.

Some of you need to take the time to think about it. To realise that you in fact can fall in love with someone you’ve never met. Distance is a number. Age is a number. How can you judge a relationship on a number? No, long distance isn’t easy. It’s not easy at all. It’s hard as fuck, you need to put your whole heart into it and push harder than you ever have before. But wanna know what it’s all about? Trust. That’s the main thing. That should be the main thing in any relationship. Not sex, not being able to feel the person to touch the person everyday. But trust, trust and love. Why should you let distance get in the way of your feelings? Being in a long distance relationship is beautiful, think about it. Think about the feeling, the excitement you’d get when you got to meet them for the very first time, touch them for the first time. So all you fuckheads who think it’s disgusting and pathetic. Think again. It’s beautiful.

I had a lazy pink day. (:

I hate that feeling when you’re about to cry and you’re with some friends or family but you just don’t want to cry in front of them because you don’t want to explain why you’re crying since you can’t find the right words, and you stay quiet like nothing happened when you have so much in mind.

Now not only am I physically sick over everything that’s going on with Nick, I just found out that my dad took my sister to the rugby game, and she HATES rugby. She just texted me, and said that she was at the game and bored. YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH. I AM PISSED.

If you can’t put your heart into it, then take your whole self out of it.

Ask me what I want to do with my life. Ask me what I want to be. Truth is, I don’t know if I want to be anything. I want to travel the world. I want to see everything there is to see, and take pictures of it all. I want love and friendship and memories. I want freedom. I want my life to be absolutely full of adventure. I want to live, and I mean really live.

The awkward moment when you drop something in a store and can't put it back properly...

It falls off and your desperately trying to put it back when you feel someone watching you, then the saleslady looks at you like you're trying to steal it.

>.<

Sam- I met Sam only this summer. She is an amazing friend. She is beautiful, too. I used to drive 45 minutes just to go to her house. She moved not even a week ago to Scotland. We have been video chatting since. I will always miss my best friend. I always go to Sam when I need her, she is always there to help. That is what I love about her the most.

Erica- I met her in year 7. She hated me. She excluded me from games and gave me mean looks. In year 8, we became friends. She practically lives at my house (in England). I trust her a lot, but I feel she will judge me. So I don’t tell her much, but then she finds out and gets angry. But that’s okay, we can never stop being friends. She is also allergic to nuts, like deathly allergic. It is scary. I don’t like eating around her because I am scared of her safety. She knows what to eat, but I still make sure she isn’t going to, you know, die. I know how to use her epi-pen so I always make sure I am near it. If anything happened to her, I would die.

Olya- I’ve known her since comprehensive as well, she is a great person. She was suicidal, she has cut. But she overcame it. She was hospitalised once for a week, I was one of the only ones on the call list. She only could call me and my other good friend, Jordan. I love her so much, I went to her for help so many times. She knows me better than I know myself. She may move to CANADA! If she does, I will not be happy.

George- I met george this year at uni, he is hilarious. He knows how to cheer me up. And he is always there for me. Our conversations scare other people, it makes me happy. Haha, we talk about anything and it is so random. Whenever I am sad, he calls me and makes sure I am fine. He lives 45 minutes away as well, but we still try to hang out a lot.

Patrick- This boy I liked in year 7 for a little bit, I liked him on and off since. He is one of the people I trust the most. He is one of the best friends i’ve ever haad. And it is great. I know he will always be there for me. But the thing is, I kinda fell for him. I don’t love him, I just like him a lot. But he still likes one of my friends and it sucks. I want him to find me beautiful and love me. She broke his heart too many times, he deserves someone else.

Five Things I Can’t Live Without:

1. My friends,
take a moment, promise me this, that you’ll stand by me forever.

2. Music,
people haven’t always been there for me but music always has.

3. Laughing,
I love people who make me laugh.

4. Attractive boys,
not psychotic or dramatic, I like boys and that is that.

5. Love,I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

1 thing:

The lingering question kept me up, 2 AM, who do you love? I wonder ‘til I’m wide awake.